she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
