he shaved USA in his pubs
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
