I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
id be glad to
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
