i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
