You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
