Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My liver is preforming stress tests.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
