I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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