I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
