I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
