oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
