If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
