I'm gonna have a badass scar
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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