I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He shit in the fireplace
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
