if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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