We need to rekindle our bromance
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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