Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
