I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
