YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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