Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
