the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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