Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
