Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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