Someone shit on the floor
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
