im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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