god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
