I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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