Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
