an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
