Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
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I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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