My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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