I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
