he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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