im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
