One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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