I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Two words: blizzard sex
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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