made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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