I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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