Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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