Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
