Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
