you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
