so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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