Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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