My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
