it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
