Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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