Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
