I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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