is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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