I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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