You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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