Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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