my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
