Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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