seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
