found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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