i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
