How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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